Arrested for ‘threats to kill following copulation with a refrigerator’

That’s from a blotter post by the Seattle Police Department—a strangely worded report, written with questionable flourish. 

Police Arrest Armed Man for Threats to Kill Following Copulation with Trader Joe’s Refrigerator

Here are the cold hard facts. On a warm, August day, Seattle police officers arrested a 33-year-old man for making threats to kill with a knife following copulation with a refrigerator inside of a Trader Joe’s grocery store.

On Aug. 5 at about a 2:15 p.m., patrol officers responded to the 1700 block of East Madison Street following a report of a man using racial slurs and brandishing a knife at security. Shortly after, he also threatened to kill everyone in the store.

According to the security guard, he confronted the man for allegedly “humping” a refrigerator and attempting to do the same to a customer. When challenged, the suspect became upset and kicked a flower display. He also threw apples.

Multiple officers responded and arrested the suspect for felony Harassment. Police booked the suspect, a registered sex offender, into the King County Jail.

Then there’s this closing line:

The suspect’s life might get a lot harder if he is not allowed to come within 500 feet of a fridge.