A pursuit that was ‘not a pursuit’

Excerpts from a quaintly-worded report by a local police department in Florida, posted a couple of days back:

If you want to attempt to outrun the Flagler County Sheriff’s Office — a foolish idea no matter the situation — you’re going to need a well-thought-out plan, nerves of steel, and crucially a top-notch getaway vehicle. Early this morning, a motorcycle rider went 0 for 3 as he tried to give deputies the slip.

Around 2:23 a.m., a deputy spotted a blue motorcycle cruising along with no lights and no license plate. Well… she didn’t exactly spot it first, she heard its unmuffled backfiring well before she saw it. But this was no ordinary high-octane crotch rocket. This was a rusty parts bike with what sounded like a weed eater motor attached, which we will henceforth refer to as Blowby Betty. We went to say hello to the reckless dirt road nomad, later identified as Brian Swartz, 33 of, Bunnell; however, he decided he'd rather make a spirited bid for freedom than pull over for the cherries and berries.

Let's be clear, what followed was NOT a pursuit. A pursuit implies speed. This was more of a guided neighborhood tour, topping out at a brisk 40mph before settling into a relaxed 15mph through Hidden Trails Park as his sputtering steed begged for mercy.

Brian took a scenic meander on Mahogany, an amble on Almond, and cruised onto Cherry as deputies idled behind him. Tragedy struck our anti-hero when soft sand and a lack of torque toppled Blowby Betty pinning Swartz’s shin against the sandy streets he thought he owned.

Swartz was arrested without incident and charged with fleeing and eluding, operating without a driver's license, and no motorcycle endorsement. Blowby Betty was seized and towed to impound, where she can finally get some rest.

The takeaway: Fleeing from law enforcement is a dangerous, deadly and terrible idea at any speed. Don’t attempt the impossible, especially on a motorcycle that can be outrun by a brisk jog.

The Ultimate Butter Churning Vest

From Canada: dairy brand Lactantia has tapped into the trend of churning butter while running with a limited-edition vest that is “engineered for the perfect churn”. To quote from the press release:

Inspired by the viral "runner butter" trend on social media, in which runners discovered they could churn butter in sandwich bags that they store in their backpacks while running, Lactantia has launched The Ultimate Butter Churning Vest: a running vest made specifically for runners to turn cream into fresh butter with every stride.

The vest features a front chest pocket, allowing you to monitor your progress at a glance. Inside, the BPA-free, food-grade container utilizes a spill-proof design and kinetic ball to accelerate the churning process. The pouch is also equipped with thermal insulation and active cooling to ensure food safety. Once your batch is ready, the vest even includes dedicated pockets for a butter knife and a slice of bread, allowing you to sample the go!

Link to video

‘Win the most epic poo of your life’

To quote from a post from Bowel Cancer New Zealand:

Would you check your poo if it came with a view?

This Bowel Cancer Awareness Month, we’re asking New Zealanders to get to the bottom of it with Poo with a View – a campaign encouraging people to pay attention to changes in their bowel habits, learn the signs and symptoms of bowel cancer, and act early if something doesn’t feel right.

Take our online symptom checker and go in the draw to win the most epic poo of your life with one of the best views in New Zealand.

Because bowel cancer can affect anyone – and when found early, more than 90% of bowel cancer cases are curable.

Link to video

Hope ‘insurance’

I’ll let this post from Aldi Scotland explain:

It’s the hope that kills you… so we’ve insured it

Aldi Scotland has launched the nation’s first-ever “Hope Insurance” to help Scotland fans survive the emotional rollercoaster of the World Cup

From goals conceded to heartbreaking results, you could win Aldi vouchers throughout the tournament, with even bigger rewards if Scotland make history

To register for free, email scottishcompetition@aldi.co.uk with why you believe this could be Scotland’s year

Exposure to videos disrupts brain development… in fish

As summarized in a news report:

Canadian and Swedish researchers say guppies that were shown a video stream ended up with smaller brains than guppies that were able to interact with other fish.

Also, of note, this was the headline under which the news was reported:

Hooked on reels: Fish raised on videos have smaller brains than those with friends

Robert Irwin vs. 100 crocs

The latest spot in Columbia Sportswear’s ‘Engineered for Whatever’ campaign is a nature mockumentary which it describes as its “wildest product test ever.”  One thing is for sure: it’s wildly funny.

Link to video

Sheep Mullet

A new campaign for Peperami has a rather unusual hook:

It's enough to make you want to go out there and give a sheep a mullet.

Link to video

Alternative link

A celebration of ‘glorious poo’

From Australia: dog food brand Lyka follows up its poo-centred horror film from last year with—believe-it-or-not—a poo-centred musical, set to the tune of an iconic track from the 1968 movie musical, Oliver!

Link to video

Whisky, composed

A global campaign for House of Suntory’s Hibiki whisky positions it as a masterpiece of Japanese artistry.

Link to video

The Life Saving Haircut

UK medical charity Melanoma Focus has come up with a rather unique initiative to help in early detection of  melanoma skin cancer—a handbook for barbers.  As explained on the charity’s website:

Each year in the UK, over 19,300 people are diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer, and most cases can be successfully treated if detected early. Yet in men, about 1 in 4 melanomas develops in hard-to-see areas such as the scalp, neck and ears.

Barbers are in a unique position to notice these hidden spots during everyday haircuts. This guide offers simple, practical advice to help them recognise possible warning signs of melanoma.

Link to video

Wanted: Consultants who can pleasure themselves

To quote from a post by chatbot companionship platform Joi AI:

we’re hiring 10 Masturbation Consultants

$2,000/month to test our new Daily Guided Masturbation feature and document the effects on stress, sleep and mood

yes it’s real
yes you get paid

Light that moves you

California-based designer lighting company Gantri is promoting its range of wireless lamps with a 2-minute film that puts human connections at its centre against mood-lit backdrops and a captivating jazz score.

Link to video

Proposed: Monument to a Mosquito

To quote from a report out of Ireland:

A statue to commemorate the mosquito that may have killed Oliver Cromwell by infecting him with malaria in Cork is to be considered by Cork City Council.

It would be “the world’s smallest public statue,” and could be erected on an empty plinth outside Cork City Hall, Green Party councillor Oliver Moran said.

Mr Moran suggested erecting the statue as part of Cork City Council’s public art scheme.

He has proposed that Cork City Council “erect a statue to the mosquito or midge that bit Oliver Cromwell during the siege of the city, later causing his death through ‘Cork fever’ (malaria), and that this statue shall be ‘the world’s smallest public statue’.”

The Laid-Offs

An “entirely AI-produced” spec ad for a fictitious beer brand by someone who describes himself as ‘a copywriter turned AI Director’.

Link to video

Alternative link

Arrested for assault with a sugar container

To quote from a report out of New Jersey:

A Wawa customer was arrested in Cumberland County after he was accused of assaulting two people with a sugar container in a bizarre fight.

Police said two customers, a 46-year-old Vineland man and a 41-year-old Bridgeton woman, got into an argument that turned physical.

The Vineland man pushed past an employee and grabbed a Wawa sugar container, according to an affidavit.

The man poured sugar on the other customer and a 55-year-old female Wawa employee, police said. The man then struck both women with the sugar container, police said.

He was charged with third-degree counts of aggravated assault on a store employee and possession of a weapon for an unlawful purpose, along with a disorderly persons charge of simple assault.

Rise of the STIs

From Australia: a safe sex PSA that is packed with over-the-top AI-generated monsters and horror movie tropes.

Link to video

Bar in legal tussle over barber-themed name and decor

To quote from a news report out of Nebraska:

A legal setback and potentially “ruinous” state fines have forced a trio of Omaha siblings to at least temporarily rename the family’s “Barber Shop Blackstone,” a speakeasy bar they christened in honor of their longtime hair stylist dad.

Here’s the long and short of it: A state board that oversees the professional barber trade demanded a change, arguing that state law allows only licensed barbers to use the title and display the familiar red, white and blue barber pole.

Mike DiGiacomo and his brother and sister filed a lawsuit in February, alleging that the Nebraska Barber Shop Act violates their First Amendment rights by restricting “non-misleading” commercial speech. They said their marketing made clear that the barber-themed bar served cocktails, not buzz cuts and fades.

But after a federal judge’s April 20 decision to deny the family’s request for a preliminary injunction that could have prevented the state board from pursuing civil or criminal action pending a final resolution, the siblings acquiesced, sort of. 

For the time being, the bar near 40th and Farnam Streets will call itself the “Censored Shop.” And the barber shop pole marking the mostly hidden speakeasy off of an alley in the popular Blackstone District will be “blacked out.”

Tickets vs. Tickets

From Canada: Air Transat has come up with an unconventional way of promoting international travel—by comparing the cost of travelling to a country with the more excessive cost of watching that country’s World Cup matches.

A public reminder to not discharge cannons

From a post on the official Facebook page of the town of Allegany in New York state, USA:

Town of Allegany officials would like to remind residents that the discharge of cannons and similar explosive devices is not permitted within the Town.

The use of cannons presents serious public safety concerns, including risks related to noise, fire, explosives, and potential injury or property damage. Residents are reminded that violations may result in enforcement action under local and state law.

We appreciate everyone’s cooperation in helping keep our community safe.

As to what may have led to this ‘reminder’, one news report offered this insight:

Town Supervisor Chris McPherson tells 2 On Your Side they've received several complaints over the past 2-3 weeks about a cannon-like explosion being set off. He believes it's coming from just outside the village on the west end of town, in a neighborhood of roughly 20 to 30 homes. He added that no one is in danger, but the noise has been disturbing to residents.

Chief of Police Paul Griffith says nothing has ever been reported to his department. However, he and a few officers did hear what sounded like a cannon a few days ago. Officers were not able to pinpoint where it was coming from. They believe it could be someone shooting the explosive Tannerite in the Town of Allegany.

A ‘plea’ to profit from children

UK-based charity, Smartphone Free Childhood, has a new campaign that uses satire to make its case for age restrictions on social media.

Link to video